A Shift In Tone
Posted: February 23, 2015 Filed under: Affair, Infidelity, Marriage, Recovery | Tags: Affair, Infidelity, Marriage, Recovery 5 CommentsI’m concerned that someone following my blog to this point may get a false impression as to how methodical and lucid I was in response to my wife’s affair. I started this blog almost two years after it ended, and I wanted to focus on what I learned from the experience. It’s easy sound logical and coherent when you’re talking in hindsight, but I wasn’t close to that when it was actually happening.
I’ll claim some credit for keeping my priorities straight and for maintaining my composure, but I was exactly like every other affair victim just trying to get through each day. I was confused and vulnerable, having regular panic attacks and periods of serious depression. There were several times that I was completely convinced my marriage was over, and there was nothing I could possibly do to keep my family intact.
As an example, my last two posts talked about how significant gathering the details of the affair were to my recovery. At the time, I had no idea what approach would best satisfy my anxiety. Multiple times I tried to follow the cliché of putting the past behind me only to find that the ugly thoughts would continue to haunt me. Over time I slowly came to realize the strategy that worked for me, and it’s only looking back that I can describe that with any coherence. I certainly don’t think that I’ve identified some profound answer that will work for everyone going through a similar experience, but I do hope that I can provide them with some useful thoughts from someone who has the benefit of hindsight.
I have several other thoughts that I’m planning on sharing about our recovery, but in the next few posts, I’m going to take a detour into darker topics. I need to share some details of the turmoil that I went through and the anger and confusion I experienced. Some of this is just to vent, but I also hope that it will help others who might be in the middle of the hell that I experienced. At the very least I’m hoping it can provide some confidence that it is possible for a marriage to be saved even after sinking to the depths that we experienced.
The Cerebral Spouse 
I know I am certainly looking for more of your story especially the insight you’ve gained through hindsight. Thank you!
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I like the tone of your blog. It is not as emotional as many of the betrayed wives blogs, but I wouldn’t expect it to be. Men and women are different, after all. I am looking forward to hearing more about how you went from the darker moments to where you are now. You seem to be a very kind voice of reason and it will be nice to see a little more of the transformation, even if it is in hindsight.
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Your blog has been an immense help but I admit I’m interested in reading about some of the more challenging moments. Its more than the concept of “misery loves company” — its about knowing that you don’t have to stay in the valley of anger and anxiety. And who better to hear that message from than someone who’s lived it?
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Nice to hear you are willing to share the good, the bad and the ugly. We look forward to hearing about your journey.
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Yes, putting the past behind you is impossible after an affair.
Although the details of my husband’s affair were painful, I needed him to share all the personal details with me.
As you stated, now the affair partner is turned into the person on the outside. Now she was the person that I had intimate details about and she was the one that should have felt foolish.
My husband reluctantly agreed to share details. Some were really sad. He told me things she had bragged about doing behind her husband’s back, and she talked about how she thought he was ugly and stupid etc.
At least the emails I received did not include such insulting comments about me. But, I still wonder what he said to her in private.
Sad, really. I so blindly trusted my husband.
Still knowing the details, even though some still haunt me, has been very liberating.
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